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Icebergs and the Direction of Your Life

In the early days of sailing ships, sailors who were brave enough to venture into the waters of Antarctica would witness a strange sight. They would notice large icebergs moving against the wind. In other words, the wind would be blowing in one direction and yet the icebergs would be moving along in a totally different direction. The sailors were obviously puzzled by this sight because their ships were powered by the wind and they wondered why the icebergs were not being blow on a course based on the direction of the wind.

This interesting phenomenon was studied and the answer was revealed. It was discovered that even though what the sailors could see of an iceberg looked like a towering skyscraper, the truth was that the majority of the iceberg, or some 90% of its mass, was beneath the surface of the water and caught up in the deep currents of the ocean. So regardless of what was happening with the winds or the tides on the surface of the water, the icebergs would move along quite purposefully based on what was happening below the surface of the water.

This story makes a great analogy to think about in that each of us needs strong currents in our life so we don’t get blown off course by what’s happening all around us on a daily basis. The push and pull of life is so often in the wrong direction. Yet we don’t have to get caught up in the noise and distractions on the surface. Each of us can stay on course if we remain connected to the great ideas and simple truths that always result in a life well lived. It may not be easy, but anyone who has achieved something worthwhile already knows that having the courage and resolve to not get blown off course by the surface conditions of life is the only way to get to your desired destination. It’s also the best way to stay focused, balanced, and at peace on a daily basis so you can enjoy the process.

So ask yourself what great ideas make up the deep currents of your life. Stay connected with those ideas that will take you in the direction you really want to go and you won’t get blown off course even if there are storms on the surface. You can be one of those rare people that have a quiet resolve that comes from knowing you are heading in the right direction.

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Finding Your Place

Years ago, I remember Earl Nightingale relating a story about finding your place in the scheme of things. It seems that a marine biologist was working to save a group of seals that got caught in a fishing net. He was able to save all of the seals with the exception of one who turned out to be pregnant. While the marine biologist was unable to save the mother, he was able to save the baby seal who he decided to take home to give special care. The baby seal not only survived but actually thrived. In fact, the seal became something of a family pet. The seal enjoyed being with the family and took a special liking to the man’s young daughter.

The seal learned to play with balls and rings along with numerous tricks that included singing (or barking and grunting as the case may be) when the young girl would play the piano. Over time, the girl and the seal became constant companions. But the marine biologist began talking with his daughter about the seal and the fact that it would soon be time to return him to his true home, the ocean. His daughter didn’t like that idea and tended not to think about it.

But eventually, the time had come to return the seal to the ocean. The father took his young daughter and the now fully grown seal on a boat ride back to the place where the seal had been found. The girl knew it was time for the seal to go home but she was very sad about what was about to happen and tears flowed down her young face. Surprisingly, the seal didn’t seem very excited about being out on the water and nuzzled up against the girl with what looked like tears forming.

When they reached the desired location, the man and his daughter worked to help the seal into the water but the seal didn’t want to go. He kept trying to back away from the ocean but the dad and his daughter kept working to get the seal into the water. Suddenly, they were able to get the seal in the water all the while listening to barking sounds of sadness from the seal. But then something interesting happened.

As soon as the seal hit the water, he was immediately transformed from an awkward and lumbering creature on the land, into a thing of pure beauty and grace in the water. The seal realized as soon as he hit the ocean that this was the place he was meant to be. This was home. And as the girl watched him dart about the boat with style and ease, she knew it as well. Even though she knew she would miss him, she knew that he was where he was meant to be.

I often think about this story when I think about finding our place in the scheme of things. It’s not always easy to find our way in life, and sometimes it’s downright scary. But have you ever noticed how many great things in life often come from a dive into the unknown? Have you ever noticed how things that seem really scary often turn out to be just fine, and you look back and ask yourself why you were so afraid?

The seal was afraid to get back into the ocean because he had somehow forgotten that it was his home. Upon hitting the water, though, he immediately experienced how his special gifts fit perfectly with this environment. He could move through the water as if by magic. I believe we can each have the same kind of experience if we’ll have the courage to uncover our special gifts even if it means jumping into the unknown and experiencing some uncertainty to explore who we are and what we are meant to do.

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Changing the Story of Your Life

Have you ever thought about your life as a story? My guess is that you’d benefit greatly by thinking about the story of your life, and perhaps analyzing your performance thus far. By doing this, you’ll probably be able to see for the first time what your life has really been about as well as where your life is heading. The truth of the matter is that all of us are actually writing, directing, and starring in our own story every day. We just don’t tend to think of it that way. But here’s an interesting question to consider: Would you enjoy going to the movies to see your story being acted out? Is it a good story that others would find interesting or, for that matter, would you find it interesting? Would you like how you are living your life if you were watching yourself on a movie screen?

One of my favorite pastimes is watching movies. I love a good movie. Nothing seems to have the power to carry me away like a great story brought to life on the big screen. But have you ever stopped to think that many of the stories we like the most are actually quite similar in structure? In fact, you might be surprised to learn that most successful movies are based on stories that have only a few key elements. I’ve seen academic lists of 5 elements including Introduction, Rising Action, Climax, Falling Action, and Denouement from movie critics, and I also remember hearing someone use as many as 7 elements to analyze movies which I found more interesting because the elements used could more easily be connected with a person’s life. For our purposes, I’m going to use a rough outline of those 7 elements I once heard discussed but I’m going to change the order a bit and re-label them in an effort to help you see how powerful this concept can be when it comes to living your best possible life.

Remember, your life really is a story, or series of stories. And maybe by detaching to see your life as a moviegoer would see it, you’ll be able to see things you’ve never seen before. By viewing your life as a story, is it possible that you might discover how to make it better? How to get unstuck? How to solve your current problems? How to overcome whatever it is that’s standing between you and what it is you really want in life?

Most stories start with a person that has a desire or a wish or a goal that he or she wants to make real. We could simply label this element “The Desire.”

Let’s use the movie Mr. Holland’s Opus to bring this whole concept to life. If you haven’t seen the movie, consider watching it with this list of elements at hand. If you have seen it, consider watching it again and see if the movie’s message doesn’t affect you more once you understand the structure of the story. In Mr. Holland’s Opus, Richard Dreyfuss plays the leading role of Mr. Holland who is a man on a mission. He is a man who wants to write great music. He wants to be a world-class composer. But a story only begins with “The Desire”. What makes a story start to take shape and get us involved and engaged very quickly is the next element which we’ll call “The Problem.”

In Mr. Holland’s Opus, we quickly see that Mr. Holland has a major problem which can simply be labeled the cares of life. He needs money so he can have the free time he wants to write his opus. He needs to figure out a way to make some money. We can probably all identify with that problem on many levels. So often we have a desire to do something but it costs money. If we don’t have the money, we have a problem that needs to be solved.

But the movie also doesn’t stop there. Part of what makes any story interesting is seeing how problems are going to be overcome and Mr. Holland doesn’t disappoint us. He jumps right in to the next element of a story which we’ll call “The Plan.” Mr. Holland’s plan is simple. He is going to teach music until he can finish his great opus or symphony and, in the process, become a world-renowned composer. It’s an interesting desire with a plan to overcome his immediate problem. “The Desire” followed by “The Problem” with the introduction of “The Plan” that appears to have some merit. Isn’t it also interesting that we could probably identify these same elements in our own life? What’s your desire? What do you want to accomplish? What is your problem? What’s holding you back or standing between you and your desire? And what is your plan? Do you have a strategy to work your way through the problem or problems facing you in life?

Of course, we know that there’s always more to a great story than a desire, a problem, and a plan. If fact, if that’s all there was to Mr. Holland’s Opus, or any other movie we were watching, we’d probably be on the verge of being quite bored and getting ready to ask for our money back before we even finish our popcorn. But it’s the next element of a great story that makes things really get interesting. Let’s call this next part “The Opponents.”

Great stories have many levels of opponents and this is certainly true in the movie Mr. Holland’s Opus. And the job of the opponents is to do everything they can do to block “The Plan” and that’s exactly what happens to Mr. Holland. While Mr. Holland is content to do the minimum requirements as a music teacher so he has plenty of free time to compose his opus, the principal of the school has another idea. She doesn’t want Mr. Holland sneaking out early when there are students that need additional help. And we quickly see that Mr. Holland is confronted by a whole host of students that don’t appear to have a lick of musical talent yet he is expected to teach them. Let’s label all of these opponents, external opponents.

Getting back to your story, do you have any opponents? People that are holding you back? You might right now be making a list in your mind. What makes Mr. Holland’s Opus so interesting is the fact that he doesn’t just have one opponent but a number of opponents. I’ve heard people categorize opponents into three areas including external, internal, and intimate. The external opponents are easy to see. For Mr. Holland, we already discussed the principal and students but there were also others if you watch the movie and think about this a bit.

For example, what about the internal opponent that we all face? In the movie, we can see Mr. Holland conflicted about what to do just as we so often are with the choices we face in life. Mr. Holland wants to get his opus written and become a world-class composer, but he also wants to do right thing for the students that have been entrusted to him. And if that’s not enough, the movie quickly shows us that there are two key intimate opponents. Mr. Holland and his wife are blessed with the birth of a son but it is quickly discovered that the son is deaf. Imagine being a musician where hearing is everything to you and now you are presented with a child that cannot hear. Mr. Holland and his wife now have a son that is going to require a great deal of additional time to raise. I suppose you could say that this is how the plot thickens as Mr. Holland has to deal with some pretty challenging intimate family relationships which can be seen as opponents to Mr. Holland’s desire or goal.

Can you identify with the idea of external, internal, and intimate opponents in your life? It’s not unusual that the biggest part of a movie, or the story of your life, to get caught up in the drama of dealing with opponents. In fact, as the opponents become more and more clear, we could say that the next phase of the story is rather obvious and is often simply called “The Battle.”

Rarely do opponents just cave in without a conflict. And it’s often this struggle with various opponents that connects us to a story. There might now be a chase scene or a toe-to-toe fight between the good guy and the bad guy that is almost cliché in movies, but there has to be some form of what might be called conflict resolution. In other words, how is this story going to turn out? What’s going to happen? Is Mr. Holland going to write his opus? How is he going to deal with the challenges with his wife and the fact that he now has a deaf son that needs special care? And how might Mr. Holland’s story of overcoming challenges relate to you? How are you going to overcome your problems and deal with your opponents?

I find that most people get stuck in the battle phase of their own personal stories. Isn’t that true? Talk with someone about their life and see what they talk about? More often than not, it’s the challenges. Of course, there’s nothing in and of itself that is bad about that unless you get stuck in your battle. But at some point, you have to do what all great movies do, you have to move beyond the battle. Although let’s face it, battle scenes can make a movie! But what’s next? Don’t things need to get resolved?

So how are things going to get resolved? It wasn’t easy for Mr. Holland. He had to learn to deal with his external opponents by making decisions about what was most important and setting new priorities. But, of course, this required battling himself from the standpoint of what to do about writing that opus that he thought was so important. And his wife wasn’t going to allow him to avoid his son or not develop the kind of relationship that he was capable of having even though his son was deaf. None of this was easy but watching him deal with all of this makes the story really come alive.

My apologies in advance for giving away the ending to the movie but I just can’t help myself. At the end of Mr. Holland’s career as a music teacher, he finds himself looking back on what he’s accomplished, or as he sees it, not accomplished with a sense of failure. The one thing that he set out to do — i.e., become a world-class composer — hasn’t happened. And what’s worse, the music program is now in jeopardy of being cancelled because of a lack of funding. As Mr. Holland clears out his desk with his wife and son accompanying him, he hears something going on in the auditorium of the school. Of course, his wife and son know exactly what is going on. As Mr. Holland gets to the auditorium and opens the door, he sees it’s filled with past and present students. Hundreds of people that have been touched by him and his gifts as a music teacher, and they are there to thank him for his life’s work.

Interestingly, an early clarinet student who was just one of the many students touched by Mr. Holland’s unique gifts as a teacher, had become Governor of the State, and she was now serving as the master of ceremonies for this special surprise event. During her speech, she says something that brings what we’ll call “The Resolution” clearly into focus. She says these words:

“Mr. Holland had a profound influence on my life and on a lot of lives I know. But I have a feeling that he considers a great part of his own life misspent. Rumor had it he was always working on this symphony of his. And this was going to make him famous, rich, probably both. But Mr. Holland isn’t rich and he isn’t famous, at least not outside of our little town. So it might be easy for him to think himself a failure. But he would be wrong, because I think that he’s achieved a success far beyond riches and fame. Look around you. There is not a life in this room that you have not touched, and each of us is a better person because of you. We are your symphony Mr. Holland. We are the melodies and the notes of your opus. We are the music of your life.”

Mr. Holland breaks down in tears as this point and finally understands what his life has been about up to that point. He has clarity. He understands something he didn’t understand before. He has resolution which opens things up for the final part of any great story or movie, “The Celebration.” In this case, Mr. Holland gets to hear what he has composed being performed by his students. There is much more to the movie than I’ve outlined here, but you probably get the idea. Mr. Holland is not a failure, he has discovered a greater success than he would have ever imagined for himself through the lives he has touched. He never realized until this moment that he had such an amazing teaching gift, and he certainly never realized the extent to which that gift had reached out into the world and really touched me people so deeply and profoundly.

And this brings us back to you. What about your life and your story? Where are you in the process of your story? Are you stuck dealing with an opponent? Have you been spending too many years in a battle? Are you learning that maybe the desire you started out with isn’t the best one for you and there is something much better?

More importantly, how do you want your story to end?

Or how about this? Nowhere is it written that you can have only one story. Maybe the present story you are living needs “The Resolution” and “The Celebration” so you can create a new story. As the credits rolled for Mr. Holland’s Opus, I found myself thinking that instead of retiring, Mr. Holland had plenty of time to become a composer if he still wanted to pursue that dream. But I also found myself thinking that sometimes what we get is better for us than what we might have wanted in the first place. Life is interesting that way. Sometimes we don’t get what we want but we get what we need.

Maybe a fresh look at your life and the story you are living could give you a new perspective. How about viewing your life as a story and seeing where that leads you. Just take the 7 elements we’ve discussed and apply them to your life thus far.

THE DESIRE
Is what you have been chasing really want you want? Is “The Desire” the right one for you?

THE PROBLEM
Are the problems you are facing really that bad or are they serving you in some way? Is “The Problem” holding you back or getting you to grow?

THE PLAN
Is your plan producing good results or do you need a different approach? Does “The Plan” appear to be working or is it time to consider another strategy?

THE OPPONENTS
What about those people that you view as opponents? Are “The Opponents” maybe your greatest gift because they are forcing you to grow?

THE BATTLE
Are you stuck in a battle that maybe it’s time to resolve? Is it time to realize that you can end “The Battle” at any time that you wish?

THE RESOLUTION
And finally, what lesson is life trying to teach you? Often all you need to resolve a situation is a new level of understanding which can come at any time. “The Resolution” just needs you to recognize the lesson so you can move on to that last element.

THE CELEBRATION
Whatever you do, don’t forget “The Celebration.” It’s like the icing on the cake. But do me a favor. No matter where you are in your current story, remember that you don’t have to wait until the end of it to have a party. Make your whole life a celebration. I think you’ll find it’s more fun that way.

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The 10,000 Hour Rule

Have you ever read the book “Outliers: The Story of Success” by Malcolm Gladwell? He is the same author that wrote “Tipping Point” and “Blink” among others. I was recently having dinner with a friend and he mentioned the book “Outliers” that I originally read when it first appeared on the scene in 2008. We had a fun conversation discussing the book.

If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it. After our dinner conversation, I decided to reread the book which is often a great idea if you are dealing with a book of substance. Gladwell’s book certainly qualifies in that regard.

Gladwell’s position in “Outliers” can be summed up with this statement: Success and failure are often not the result of what seems obvious at first glance.

I really like this idea. After literally decades in the personal development industry, I can tell you that a lot of what is taught is not only wrong but utter nonsense. There is always more to success (and failure) than meets the eye. I’m not going to spoil “Outliers” in case you haven’t read it, but I will give you a couple of my favorite points as well as something that I think would improve the book. (To get the most out of a book, it’s helpful if you don’t assume that everything an author says is correct. It’s always better to have a healthy skepticism that allows you to debate the points based on your own knowledge and experience.)

One of the people Gladwell discusses in the book is Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft. He writes about how most people credit his success to his amazing intelligence. And while it’s certainly true that Gates was gifted with the raw material for high level thinking and analysis, he also was the recipient of many other benefits that aren’t usually mentioned. For example, he came from a wealthy family where education was held in high regard. He was born at just the right time for the computer revolution. And perhaps one of the greatest benefits he received was access to state of the art computers at a time when they were quite rare.

Gladwell did an outstanding job of looking into the many factors that influenced the enormous success of Bill Gates. Certainly, Bill Gates gets a lot of the credit for his achievements but he can’t claim all of the credit. In fact, had certain factors not been present, he may still have been successful on some level but certainly not into the billions and billions. That kind of success, which Gladwell labels an “Outlier” or way out of the norm, requires a mix of factors that more often than not requires just plain good fortune or luck.

Many people that study personal development or success, don’t like the idea of luck. They want to control everything. Even one of my early mentors Earl Nightingale would often say: “Luck is what happens when preparedness meets opportunity.” In some ways, I think Earl used to think that you could control opportunity by getting prepared but that’s not always the case. You can certainly influence opportunity and/or be ready for when it appears, but you often can’t control it. Great opportunities often resist being forced or controlled. What I like to say is that many of the doors in life that lead to opportunity can only be opened for you by someone else.

Luckily, there is plenty of good fortune around if we will prepare ourselves for recognizing it when it does appear, but trying to control everything isn’t going to be a winning strategy. The people that think they can control everything usually end up old before their time because of the unnecessary stress and anxiety their approach to the world has brought about.

It’s good to remember that there are things outside of our control. It is possible to be a part of what one writer called “The Lucky Sperm Club.” Yet if you live in the United States it might not be a bad idea to conclude that you’ve already won the “Lucky Sperm” lottery. Not that there aren’t other great places to live on planet earth but it’s hard to beat the opportunities that have resulted from the combined brainpower of our Founding Fathers. I sometimes wish they were still around to keep us on track, but that’s not the case. It’s now up to us to keep freedom and opportunity alive.

Getting back to Gladwell’s book, there is one concept that I liked very much that has actually been presented by others. Gladwell calls it “The 10,000 Hour Rule.” It basically states that extraordinary success usually doesn’t happen for someone until he or she puts in at least 10,000 hours of practice. For example, Bill Gates was able to work on programming high-end computers for 10,000 hours before most people knew anything about what these computers were capable of. That put him in an enviable position. It’s the kind of advantage that is hard to compete with if you don’t have it. Those doors were opened for him.

Yet here’s the thing that I believe Gladwell doesn’t recognize clearly enough. Bill Gates had just the right mind and temperament for this kind of work. In other words, Bill Gates had a Unique Talent that he was helped to develop. If he would not have had that talent, the opportunity would not have been as valuable.

It’s no different than someone like Mozart whose first words were “G sharp” at age two. Seriously, age two! Supposedly the little guy heard a pig squealing and exclaimed “G sharp.” When his father ran to the piano to check, he discovered the little guy was right. Now that’s a Unique Talent!

But recognize that Mozart’s dad was a musician and could appreciate this kind of talent and helped the little guy develop it to the fullest. Little Mozart wrote his first piece of music at age 4 but who but a musician parent would even recognize such scribbles or be able to help him develop his gifts to the fullest?

Mozart’s father got him the best education available at the time and got the little prodigy performing throughout Europe. But this is worth remembering. We don’t remember Mozart for his early compositions or performances. What we remember is what happened after Mozart put in his 10,000 hours. That’s when he became a genius unlike the world had ever seen. After his 10,000 hours he began creating music that will surely live on forever. So even Mozart had to put in the time.

It’s not unlike Tiger Wood’s dad recognizing that his son could hit a golf ball wherever he wanted it to go. No doubt Tiger had an incredible Unique Talent but it was his dad that spotted it early and helped him to develop it to the fullest.

So allow me to suggest a new success formula:

SUCCESS = UNIQUE TALENT + 10,000 HOURS OF PRACTICE + OPPORTUNITY

It’s up to you to find your Unique Talent and start practicing it. This is especially true if you weren’t lucky enough to have a dad who spotted your Unique Talent at age 2. I certainly wasn’t. I was undoubtedly just drooling on myself at age 2.

But luckily it’s never too late with Unique Talent. The chances are excellent that the right opportunity will come your way if you do your part. It’s not guaranteed, but the odds are in your favor, unlike the Mega Millions State Lottery. Besides, you can’t lose by focusing on your Unique Talent. It’s what you are meant to do, and the best rewards in life always come from doing what you are meant to do.

We all have a song to sing or a book to write or a company to start or a child to raise or a foundation to launch or some other noble thing that only we can do. Your exact genetic make up has never before appeared on planet earth with the exact environment that exists right now. Take advantage of it while you can. It’s a mistake not to. There is no better way to enjoy your ride on this beautiful blue island in space.

Here’s the formula you want to avoid:

FAILURE = INCOMPETENCE + 10,000 HOURS OF PRACTICE + OPPORTUNITY

Maybe we shouldn’t label that failure but it certainly can be called “Nose to the Grindstone Living.” There is a better way. You have a Unique Talent that you can use in the service to others and become extraordinary in your own right. Now’s the time to take action.

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Your Constant Companion for Both Success and Failure

You may have come across this short piece somewhere in your personal development studies. I think it’s a classic. It beautifully reflects one of those great ideas that never fails to help keep us on course. I don’t believe the author has ever been identified but he or she really understood something that eludes the vast majority of people. It expresses something that most people either never learn or learn the hard way. Ask yourself if you really understand the full consequences of what the author is saying here. I’m sure after reading it you will agree with me that the sooner each of us learns who our constant companion is the better.

* * * * *

I am your constant companion.

I am your greatest helper or heaviest burden.

I will push you onward or drag you down to failure.

I am completely at your command.

Half the things you do might just as well be turned over to me and I will be able to do them quickly and correctly.

I am easily managed — you must merely be firm with me. Show me exactly how you want something done and after a few lessons I will do it automatically.

I am the servant of all great people and, alas, of all failures, as well.

Those who are great, I have made great.

Those who are failures, I have made failures.

I am not a machine, though I work with all the precision of a machine plus the intelligence of a person. You may run me for profit or run me for ruin — if makes no difference to me.

Take me, train me, be firm with me, and I will place the world at your feet. Be easy with me and I will destroy you.

Who am I?

I am habit!

– Author Unknown

* * * * *

You may want to do what I’ve done with this piece. Frame it so you can read it every day.

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Thought Distortions

One of the questions clients frequently ask me is what is the best way to change their thoughts. In other words, how do you get rid of thoughts you don’t want running through your mind. If you take the time to analyze your unwanted thoughts, you will often discover that they are based on distortions of reality. Getting rid of these “Thought Distortions” can take many forms. Over the years, I have used many methods but some of the ones I’ve found most effective are self-hypnosis, sleep programming, meditation, and even something I call Hypnology which you may find fun to investigate and experience for yourself. (http://www.Hypnology.com) All of these approaches involve two key components – i.e., relaxation and visualization.

The challenge, however, is that you first have to figure out what thoughts you need to eliminate. What follows is a list of “Thought Distortions” that you many find extremely helpful. It is related to what is known as Cognitive Therapy which was developed by the American psychiatrist Aaron Beck back in the 1960’s. Beck originally used Freudian Psychoanalysis with his patients but as a researcher and scientist at heart, he decided to put psychoanalysis to the test. He was both surprised and troubled to find that these methods were not working to produce the results he expected. So he started developing and testing other methods.

As you might imagine, Beck was not originally applauded for rocking the boat but as other colleagues began trying his methods, Beck was vindicated and found to be an important pioneer in the field of psychiatry.

The essence of what Beck discovered is that negative thoughts fall into three categories: negative ideas about self, negative ideas about the world, and negative thoughts about the future. For many people, these negative thoughts have become automatic over time so they no longer even question them. But when Beck began questioning patients about these thoughts and pointing out various inaccuracies or distortions, the patients could recognize their faulty thinking and choose new thoughts. As simple as it sounds, it was revolutionary at the time and it still remains a major part of psychiatry today. It is especially significant in the treatment of depression. I find it one of the best tools available to clarify your thinking about anything.

Read through the examples that follow and see if you can find any “Thought Distortions” in your own thinking. I think it is safe to say that we all have some, but we can eliminate them by recognizing the truth and beginning to ask better questions.

THE THREE MAIN CATEGORIES OF THOUGHT DISTORTIONS

All thought distortions have their basis in these three categories:

1. The Self — i.e., the self is worthless. (Personal)
2. The World/Environment — i.e., the world is unfair. (Pervasive)
3. The Future — i.e., the future is hopeless. (Permanent)

THOUGHT DISTORTION EXAMPLES

All-Or-Nothing Thinking
– Engaging in black-or-white thinking. Thinking in extremes, such as all good or all bad, with nothing in the middle.

Selective Abstraction
– Selecting one idea or fact from an event while ignoring other facts in order to support negative thinking.

Mind Reading
– Believing that we know the thoughts in another person’s mind.

Negative Prediction
– Believing that something bad is going to happen even though there is no evidence to support this prediction.

Catastrophizing
– Exaggerating the potential or real consequences of an event and becoming fearful of the consequences.

Overgeneralization
– An example of distorted thinking that occurs when individuals make a rule based on a few negative or isolated events and then apply it broadly.

Labeling
– Creating a negative view of oneself based on errors or mistakes that one has made. It is a type of overgeneralizing which affects one’s view of oneself.

Magnification
– A cognitive distortion in which an imperfection is exaggerated into something greater than it is.

Minimization
– Making a positive event much less important than it really is.

Personalization
– A cognitive distortion in which an individual takes an event and relates it to himself or herself when there is no relationship. An example would be, “Whenever I want to go skiing, there is no snow.” Wanting to go skiing does not cause a lack of snow.

THE BOTTOMLINE

It’s important to remember that a small change in your thinking today will eventually result in a very large change in your destination.

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How to Break an Unwanted Habit

Have you ever wondered why it’s so hard to break old habits? How about this question: How are our habits formed and what causes them to repeat themselves over and over again? While our knowledge is still woefully incomplete when it comes to the human brain, we know more today than at any other time in history.

Consider, for example, a part of our brain called the basal ganglia. While there is much we don’t know about this tiny little organ buried in our brain, we are starting to learn more about how this part of our brain functions relative to forming and executing habits. It has been consistently demonstrated that procedural learning and routine behaviors are run by this part of the brain.

We’ve learned that the basal ganglia operates to provide us with shortcuts to accomplish tasks so that we don’t have to start our thinking from scratch every time we perform an action or think through every little detail. Instead, this part of our brain remembers tasks to help us perform with less effort. So once you’ve done something a few times, the basal ganglia stores the actions which allows the execution to be automatic without you having to think about it.

The trouble lies in the fact that we forget about how a number of unwanted habits were formed in the first place. This can make it challenging to change habits unless we know how to rewire the various automatic programs that have become stored in the basal ganglia. Some researchers now call these programs “Habit Loops.” Again, the challenge is that these habit loops typically run without any conscious knowledge.

Yet if we breakdown how these habit loops are formed, we can alter them to create more desirable habits. Here is the essence of how a habit is formed:

1. A need, desire, or craving exists that you want to fulfill.

2. A trigger, stimuli, or cue initiates a specific habit program that has fulfilled this desire in the past.

3. A routine, set of actions, or behaviors is automatically performed in order to satisfy your craving as quickly as possible.

4. A reward or benefit is provided which serves to further strengthen the habit and keep the cycle spinning.

In essence, a loop program runs when it’s executed and continues to run as long as a reward is in place to keep it running. And since these habit loops serve deeply held needs or cravings of one kind or another, we can easily become trapped by habits unless we learn how to change them or establish new ones.

Remember Samuel Johnson’s famous quote: “The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.” While there is great truth is this quote, it shouldn’t discourage you from changing unwanted habits. The chains of a habit can be broken!

Indeed, a habit can be rewired. The question is how?

First of all, remind yourself that your habit has four parts as previously discussed including the craving, trigger, routine, and reward. This means you need to examine each element of a habit so you can begin the rewiring process. So ask yourself these four questions to uncover what’s driving your habit:

1. What desire, need, or craving am I trying to fulfill?

2. What triggers, stimuli, or cues remind me of my desire or need or craving?

3. What automatic routine, behavior, or set of actions am I performing without even thinking about it?

4. What reward am I experiencing from this habit?

Once you’ve answered those four questions, you are ready to attack the habit head on using the following four questions:

1. What is the best way to satisfy my desire, need, or craving?

2. What do I need to remember when the cue or trigger for the craving presents itself?

3. What new behavior, action, or routine would better serve me?

4. How can I reward myself at an even higher level than the old reward?

Consider the problem of overeating or eating the wrong things. It starts with the desire, need, or craving we all share for food. This craving is not going away because we have to eat to survive. The question is what program are you running to fulfill this need? When you are triggered by natural feelings of hunger, do you reach for a candy bar or an apple? You’ll get a reward from eating anything that you enjoy but the question is what have you trained yourself to enjoy, a candy bar or an apple? The difference between the two is huge.

Here’s another example, take the need for certainty that we all share. Without some predictability in our environment, it’s difficult to even function in life. But the question is how to fulfill your need for certainly? Are you fulfilling your need in a way that’s good for you, good for others, and serves the greater good?

Consider someone who desires certainty. The focus becomes one of trying to control things in the world that could take away control. It might look like this:

1. CRAVING = Certainty (You want to be in total control of your life.)

2. TRIGGER = Something from the environment looks like it will take away your control. (A stock market crash would dramatically change your net worth.)

3. ROUTINE = You sense some danger in the world which alerts you of the need to respond which might even include activating your “fight or flight response” if the danger seems serious enough. (You become tense and agitated by news that the economy and stock market are on the verge of collapse so you start thinking about changes you might need to make to your portfolio.)

4. REWARD = You feel a sense of relief if you can come up with a solution. (You develop a diversified portfolio that takes into consideration all of the things that can happen including inflation, deflation, prosperity, or crash. However, the fact of the matter is that you can’t control the stock market so even with an intelligent plan you become stuck in the loop of trying to solve something you can’t ultimately control. You can become so stuck that eventually this pattern leads you to depression, anxiety, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD. In fact, the OCD causes you to keep running this loop endlessly until a full-blown panic attack completely immobilizes you.)

So what’s the solution? You need a new habit loop or habit program.

Here’s an example of new code or programming you could install into your current habit loop:

1. CRAVING = Certainty

2. TRIGGER = Something from the environment looks like it will take away my control.

3. ROUTINE = You need to think clearly and rationally about the perceived problem and decide if it’s something you can control or influence. This involves adding a new “If-Then-Else Statement” in the code which goes something like this: “If I can control or influence the situation, then execute the solution. If I can’t control or influence the situation, then execute the else part of the program which means I need to relax and let it be.”

4. REWARD = You transform the energy of the “fight or flight response” with the corresponding hormones into positive energy for action or peaceful energy for relaxation.

After testing this new code for a few days or weeks, you’ll discover that it allows you to control the things that are in your power to control while accepting the things that are outside of your power to control. You then continue running this new code until it completely replaces the old habit loop so that your basal ganglia will now run the new habit for you automatically.

So think about the habit loops running in your life that perhaps need to be tweaked, altered, or completely rewritten.

If you’d like some help breaking an unwanted habit, consider signing up for a FREE coaching session to uncover your current program and then get the help you need to create some better code.